Page 5: Choice
“ Even within our darkest hours, we still retain choice, the choice to fight from within. I can’t conjure a cure, but I can create a stronger mind. This illness will be my catalyst, my tool for positive transformation, it has to be, if not, then I’ve suffered for nothing. If I stop fighting my soul will wither while I wonder if I should have, could have.”
Choice
February 2018
M.E. crushes even the strongest souls, elite athletes, freedom fighters, determined entrepreneurs, and ironically, sceptics that never believed it even existed. Ones who passionately preached that it was purely a state of mind, a figment of the imagination. It’s a label that’s heavily laced with scepticism, misunderstood by the majority. I’m not surprised, it’s invisible, unexplainable, near-mythical. Scientific evidence creates labels and occasionally cures, lack of it creates scepticism.
The truth is, we’re more closed-minded than we care to admit. The unknown’s often met by mistrust. People frequently craft their own conclusions when it comes to the unresolved. We don’t have to look back too far into history to see that many of the diagnosable diseases of today were often assumed by the majority to be nothing more than malevolent spirits, sorcery or karma — assumptions since dissolved by science. Even now, some tribes, cultures and religions still believe illness is manifested from the supernatural and present daily offerings and perform rituals to appease the Gods. Despite beliefs of Balinese and Bushmen, most scientists solely believe within the detectable. Of course, perceptibility creates the best compass to find cures, but a closed mind kills empathy.
March 2018
If I’d never experienced this illness, I’d never be able to comprehend how debilitating and life-changing it can be. It’s incredible how quickly it can change an active, inspired life into little more than an existence. I never thought that I’d ever suffer from a condition like this, never thought I’d feel virtually paralysed through fatigue. It was an impossible concept to grasp. I considered myself too strong, too healthy. Turns out, I was too naive.
Conventional medicine doesn’t exist, experimentation with alternative therapies hasn’t worked. Last year, a specialist said, “You have to accept your condition. Recovery is extremely unlikely after this long. I can’t imagine that you’ll get any better.” I’m glad I have a better imagination. He said, “unlikely.” Unlikely can be a challenge, a curse, empowering, or disempowering, it’s our choice to choose. Empowering? Unlikely’s not impossible.
Statistics state that at my age, after this long, I have a 2% chance of recovery. It’s not impossible, but keeping faith’s a constant challenge. This illness has clawed away at my resolve with destructive desire for thousands of days. It’s broken me, smothered my soul and sent me into deep sorrow. I’ve fought, I’ve failed. I’ve succumbed to weakness, to addiction. But for the majority of this malady, I’ve fought hard. At times I’ve battled until I’ve become near paralysed. It’s an illness that carves a motto into the subconsciousness, ‘to be active is to be self-destructive.’ Yet, it seems neither rest nor retaliation can provide a cure. So far, the repetition of my rebellion has done nothing but physically and mentally punish me, but failure will not be found within my surrender.
Even within our darkest hours, we still retain choice, the choice to fight from within. I can’t conjure a cure, but I can create a stronger mind. This illness will be my catalyst, my tool for positive transformation, it has to be, if not, then I’ve suffered for nothing. If I stop fighting my soul will wither while I wonder if I should have, could have.
With warmth,
Davey