Page 8: Failure
✯ Old photo: Past days in the wild.
“Without discipline, life will become nothing more than a collage of wasted dreams.”
Failure
December 2019
Five months ago, I created a new deadline. Eight months to realign my mind, regain some strength and develop an online presence for the fundraising mission. How naive.
I’ve become so dominated by pain and exhaustion recently that I’ve barely left the house. It feels like I’m either on the edge of falling deeper into this disease or about to enter the realms of another. It’s an intimidating feeling. I’m aware of how hard this illness can hit, but worrying about my health deteriorating will only make the situation worse. I’ve learned to shut out my deepest fears, but, right now, something doesn’t feel right. I have to listen. I can feel my soul shrinking in anticipation of what I’m about to write. The deadline for this dream, I have to it let go.
But what did I expect? It’s not as if I haven’t been through this before. Through what? The loop. The seemingly endless cycle of trying and failing that comes with chronic illness and continued determination. Even after all these years, optimism constantly entices me into the realms of idealism. Yes, I’m suffering because of a disease, but recycling inconvenient habits doesn’t help. I’ve allowed my mind to become intoxicated with idealistic ideas and imperfect standards too many times, it’s as logical as rubbing sand in the eyes and expecting to improve the eyesight.
I wonder, if I’d been more disciplined, would I have been strong enough to begin by now? Except for those few fragile weeks, my self-control’s continuously strengthened since the day I began to focus on this fundraiser — almost two years ago. Healthier food, healthier thoughts, healthier habits. But I could have done better. With an illness like this, even the smallest errors create setbacks. Evidently, my levels of discipline have to reach way beyond normality for me to have a chance of recovery. I can’t let my willpower weaken every time pain, exhaustion and depression intensifies and expect progress. Equally, I must stop mistaking strength for stupidity. If I push too hard, I pay too much. But without discipline, life will become nothing more than a collage of wasted dreams.
With warmth,
Davey