Prologue
“There are times in our lives when we must openly hold ourselves accountable for our actions. There are situations when we must use our fear to create change. And there are moments in which we must confront our weaknesses and unveil vulnerability to gain the strength to move forward. Right now, I need all three.”
Prologue
What I’m about to share with you are some of my most vulnerable hours and my weakest moments. They are incredibly personal to me. They are truths I’m afraid to tell. So, why share them? Because I need help to become accountable for my words and actions. Because I need to focus on something bigger than myself to find more strength within myself.
At present, the words I’ve written are little more than an account of some of my darker hours and more difficult days, but I hope that one day they will become part of a bigger story, one of positive change. One that helps others, too.
I’ve been closer to the edge than I’d like to admit. Before my illness, no-one would have expected it could have been me. Even now, almost twelve years later, what I’m about to upload will come as a shock to some. Sometimes hidden truths hide beneath the masks of those we hold close. Masks fabricated from fear, from shame, illusions crafted from insecurity. I know those feelings too well. I’ve carried shame for too many days, I’ve surrendered to insecurity too many times. I’ve become a mirage of my former self. It’s time to remove a mask, time to share a story I never thought I’d write, my story. It’s an intimidating concept, uploading my thoughts, revealing my faults, failures, woes and weaknesses for all to read. I’ve hidden the true extent of my suffering for so long that this is an unexpected twist of events, even for myself.
To my friends, my family. What you’re about to read is no reflection of the support you’ve offered me. You couldn’t have done more for me…because I didn’t let you. I’ve always known all I’d have to do is ask, and you’d be there for me. I’m deeply grateful to have you in my life. I’m sorry for not opening up to you earlier than I did. It’s true, I crept towards secrecy to protect you, but I also became governed by the ego’s need for false pretences. I can’t deny that I should have followed professional advice to seek help for depression a long time ago. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that my needs were insignificant compared to others. I feared taking the space of someone closer to the edge than I was. I felt that I had enough strength to fight the darkness alone — a stubborn, near life-threatening mistake. I’ve been pulling too much pride from independence. Without help, the road to recovery only lengthens, or, at worst, becomes an impossibility. I must learn to live by the words I’ve woven for others — it takes more courage to seek help than it does to be self-reliant.
There are times in our lives when we must openly hold ourselves accountable for our actions. There are situations when we must use our fear to create change. And there are moments in which we must confront our weaknesses and unveil vulnerability to gain the strength to move forward. Right now, I need all three. That, in part, is why I’m sharing my words with you. I’m not seeking pity. I’m simply trying to find the best way forward, and I’m hoping my story will one day be of help to someone. But, before we go forward, we must go back in time…
Thank you for reading.
With warmth,
Davey