“A cold, quivering finger slips down my throat. A solitary tear tracks down my cheek. I’m on my knees, in a wood, in near darkness. I hope no-one’s around to witness what’s about to happen.”

The Darkness
Page 1: November 2017

A cold, quivering finger slips down my throat. A solitary tear tracks down my cheek. I’m on my knees, in a wood, in near darkness. I hope no-one’s around to witness what’s about to happen. I’ve become intoxicated by a blackness that has nothing to do with night. There’s a bleakness that smothers my soul. No-one knows how bad it’s become.

I have a disease. I can’t hide it, but I can hide its intensity. I spend my days masking symptoms, making mirages with the little energy I’ve left. It’s become a habit, a way to cope, a way to prevent myself from infecting others with the darkness that suffocates my soul. No-one knows what it’s like when I’m alone, when I’m in pain, when I’m so exhausted I can barely function. Solitude’s become a compulsory occurrence, suicide’s become a thought to fight.

Damp, decaying leaves cover the earth below my body. Winter’s torn leaves from trees, stripped them bare. Eerie silhouettes surround me, soulless shapes, branches contorted by a desperate battle for light. They know, without light, we all wither. The cold ground hurts my knees. The finger makes me wretch. It’s what I do when the darkness becomes too much. I lose control. First, I eat, then I make myself sick. I consume obscene amounts of junk food, comfort food. Enough sugar to give me cancer? Likely. I understand the consequences, but I’m too addicted to stop. So I purge, multiple times a day. It’s intellect sacrificed for escapism, intelligence overpowered by desperation and an invitation to another disease. Oh, how the darkness loves a little self-destruction.

I’m weak, aren’t I? You’re judging me. Aren’t you? It’s okay, it’s natural. But I’m not the man you think I am. I’m not the man I was or the man I want to be. Something has to change. I have to change.

Thank you for reading.

With warmth,
Davey

Important:
Bulimia can cause life-threatening internal bleeding, heart problems. Please, reach out to friends, family or professionals before it’s too late.

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