Page 16. Intuition
“Whatever our circumstances, we are always accompanied by both our stronger selves and our weaker selves. Only we decide which one defines us. Only one will allow us to find inner peace.”
Intuition
January 2022
Sometimes the silence shapes its own messages. My absence testifies to a few truths. The most evident being that healing eludes me and that my ambitions remain far beyond my capability. Many moons have passed since I shared the first page of my diaries with you: A deeply personal journal that revealed past secrets, vulnerabilities, and aspirations. It also brought to light the first few chapters of an intended future story. One in which I shared my desire to regain my health, reclaim my independence and undertake a unique adventure to raise money for charity.
At this stage of my illness, my dreams resemble mirages more than they do future moments. But I’m still holding onto hope. Despite my deep yearning for surrender, I still endeavour to strengthen my mind. I still persist because if I fail to fight, I gift this disease a greater opportunity to strip away the last few remnants of capability that remain.
In truth, there are times in which I hesitate to share my desires or state how determined I feel. Not just because my dream to fundraise has moved closer to impossibility over these last four years, or because my health’s deteriorated for thirteen years, but mostly because there’s not a single day that passes that I don’t wish to give up and fade into the abyss. My weaker self tries to hold me back from sharing my intentions with you. Why? Not only because it’s the part of me that is scared of failing so publicly, but also because it’s aware that the simple act of sharing my ambitions means that I’m creating accountability for my actions. And for that, I must continue to unearth the energy to summon the stronger self to be able to shun the weaker self. But I understand that I’m not alone in this eternal tug of war between the selves. Whatever our circumstances, we are always accompanied by both our stronger selves and our weaker selves. Only we decide which one defines us. Only one will allow us to find inner peace.
My desire to follow my dreams has helped me through so much, but at times, it’s damaged my chances of healing. I’m easily enticed by purpose, quickly intoxicated by progress. These elements are essential for fulfilment, but when obsession overrules logic, the outcome’s often detrimental. My cravings for progression can blur the boundaries between reason and irrationality and create unrealistic expectations of ability. And frequently, they’re rapidly brought back to reality by a succession of unwelcome reminders: When the pain in my bones intensifies, and my mind becomes hypersensitive to sound and mental stimulation, it’s clear to see that no matter how determined I am, I’m too fragile to continue pursuing my plan. And if I continue to fight, I’ll be unable to function at all. I can either choose to perceive these signs as a continuous repetition of cruel reminders to abandon hope and relinquish my dreams. Or I can view them as a succession of logical reminders to readdress my mindset, be gentle with myself and continue to create better balance.
But how to create balance when limitations change daily, hourly, and even from moment to moment? How to find the ever-shifting line between determination and adaption when ability evaporates like desert rain and opportunities slip between the fingers like sand? When is it sensible to persist? When does it become senseless to persevere? Regardless of how far I’ve fallen or how lost I’ve become, intuition’s often guided me back to a better path.
But how to follow intuition if we can’t always feel it? Emotions can cloud the waters of clarity. Obsessions can numb the senses. Sometimes intuition’s overpowered by primitive urges and unnecessary compulsions. Sometimes we’re influenced by others perceptions, by societal expectations. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the noise, by constant opinions and quick-fire conclusions, but we can find clarity. To do so, we must free ourselves from distractions, create the mental space to look within and search beyond fear. Then we can begin to craft the right questions and discover better solutions. It’s not always easy, but with patience, it’s possible.
With warmth,
Davey